Thursday, February 7, 2008

FWD: Fwd: FW: RE: FWD:

My dad has a bad bad habit. He will forward me all kinds of offensive emails as they come pouring in to him from his biker buddies and his construction pals. One woman that he used to work with in particular sends him some of the most misogynistic shit. I know if her name is anywhere on the email, I can expect to be pissed off. But, that's precisely why he forwards those emails to me, because she's woman, see? She can take a joke. (I'll fucken leave 'em.)

So, even though today is a mild day, I'm going to post those forwarded emails that he sent me today, and I just might make a habit out of posting them here as I get them. What I would love to do is reply to the emails with something like "Stop. Quit." along with select curse words. But, I'm going to side-step creating conflict with my dad (eh, there's enough already) over these emails by getting my frustration out here.

(my comments in bold)

Exhibit #1:

Think before you speak...

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
I'm not ROTFLMAO yet.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
Score #2 for statements that men would love to hear.


THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
"The boy grinned." Of course he did.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
"I mustered up the LAST OF MY DIGNITY..." Could that be because she was being demeaned last night and this was the LAST STRAW? This woman has just realized that her daughter saw her doing something and her daughter might try to mimic what she saw in play! NOT FUNNY.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No" .
I kept t hinking
"Oh Lord, that child ha s had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny
did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
Little boy's butts are so darn funny! HA! /sarcasm


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan
laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Silly woman anchor. Did you open your mouth and speak? / sarcasm (again)

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak
remember, if you're a woman, anything you say can be turned into a penis/balls joke at your expense!



Exhibit #2:
"New For Women"

This image speaks volumes to me. It speaks about the over-prescribing of anti-depressants. It also speaks about the way that women really feel all over the place, across the board. So what if we feel overworked and unappreciated. Just take a pill and get over it. That's what this image says to me.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
Okay. I don't need a pill to feel that way.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
Making fun of how some mothers really feel. Not Funny.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
This reads as violence against children to me

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
WTF? Not funny. Again.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
Another "laugh" at the expense of how women cow to what MEN WANT.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
This is for women?

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.'
I didn't know that older women fell for such retarded lines. Whoever wrote this doesn't realize that the older a woman gets, the more radical she becomes. IOW, she isn't buying any "lines" from anyone.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
OH! It's so funny I forgot to laugh!

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
Nope. What this kind of woman needs is something to give her support so she can LEAVE that sorry ass. Not put up with it.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
Alright. Kind of funny. But I can't help but feel that since this "medication" is aimed at women, that the joke relies on the fact that women feel cornered and harassed by men who think they are so important that they must pressure women into being "nice" and listening to them so that women feel that they need something other than the words "GO AWAY!" to defend this type of situation. hm.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Because it can get so tiresome to open my mouth! And, all I long for all day long is to nag and nag and nag. I'm a woman, aren't I?


Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.
"Man who can handle it"...?? This sentence is written backwards. It should read: "Now, send this to every MAN who needs a good laugh, and to any WOMAN who can handle it." Because I didn't find any of this really funny at all. I just found it to be just more foreground laughter at my expense. Like most of these "For Women" emails.


Well, that feels a little better....*sigh*.....

2 comments:

Kitty Glendower said...

You have been busy, I have some catching up to do. All of your comments are right on point. I don’t believe women write most of these, it is as you say what men hope and wish women say and think and do. I read somewhere once, I wish I kept the link, how porn stories were deconstructed as lies, the old “I was in the neighborhood unexpectedly and decided to come home and found my girlfriend, wife, etc, having sex with our dog”........There was a whole list of signifiers to watch out for, like the old “just happened to be in the neighborhood,” and how the woman was always doing something forbidden but pornographically arousing for the man, etc, etc. This shit is what men perpetuates. Mr. Glendower as a manager has been trying to fire a man who sends emails out at work. This man has managed to turn it into “there is nothing wrong with the content of the emails” it’s just he has a beef because the emails are personal.” Whatthefuckever. Now everyone is pissed thinking the boss man is out to get them for spending personal time on the computer.

A-mazing Amazon said...

good luck to mr. glendower. if he can record all the emails that are outgoing, he should have a pretty clear case of sexual harassment within the workplace, esp. if any of those emails are going to workmates. not sure who's over mr. glendower's head, but if it's corporate at all, sexual harassment is taken pretty seriously. my husband was fired for sexual harassment at one of his jobs (of course all the typical "she was talking dirtier than i was" and "she's taking advantage of her gender" kind of comments ensued) and even though it was bad for our situation, he learned his lesson. it's too bad that more men aren't taught this lesson. that's why i hope mr. glendower gets that bastard fired.

i am going to be looking for whatever i can find that deconstructs pornographic myths. that would be an excellent addition to what i'm trying to get across here. :)